5/19/03

ivy goddess-

when i was a littlekid i used to be in the ballet. i had this one preformance where i was a leaf. the costume was this brown and copper chiffon thingdig.

every afternoon when i got home from school i would come home, put on my leaf costume, and prance around my backyard.

i was convinced my backyard was inchanted with fairies.

i would rip ivy off the neighbors fence, weave it into a crown, and prance around some more.

eventually i figured being a princess i deserved subjects, so i started ruling all the bugs, poking at the ants to do my bidding. but i didnt have a good poking tool, so i got some more ivy rope and wove it into a staff.

all this was well and good, till i feel in love with our 20-some year old boarder and was convinced he would be my king.

yea. they had to explain to me my king would be bald by the time i was old enough to marry.

yes, well im old enough, and hes not bald, and wheres my king, i should poke someone with ivy for this!

4/25/03

cvs is the best-

There is this girl kitty, (her parents assured her a life of doom when they gave her a hooker name), and she works in the pharmacy.
A costumer a day will come out cursing at the top of their lungs about her. It is funny.
So when you first get a draw full of money you are supposed to warn all those money back grubbin debit payers that you cant do cash back, because if you don’t, youll run out o money fast.
Well kitty doesn’t do this. So her first costumer comes up, buys some drugs, and gets 15 cash back, now I saw kittys drawer go in, she had tens and fives, but what does kitty do?
Give the lady a roll of quarters and a roll of nickels!!!
The shocked and confused lady walks up to the front of the store, and stutters out
“Hi I just got cash back in the pharmacy, and she gave me this ::looks confusedly at rolls of coins:: and I wanted, you know cash”
she we helped her out and all.
But it was the highlight of the day.
Oh you want a ten and a five? Here is a pound of change.
But don’t think if you piss cvs employees off they wont get you back, like you aren’t nice, then you ask for a bag, they’ll give you a sack.
“May I have a bag?”
“Here is your sack”

4/9/03

olives-

one time when i was like, 12, i was left alone for a week. my mom left food for the week in the fridge, this included lots of salad stuff.

now being the lazy 12 year old i was, i didn't feel like making a salad every night, so i figured i would just eat one key ingredient each night, monday=lettuce, tuesday=tomatoes and so on, and so on. BOY WAS I HAPPY WHEN I GOT TO OLIVE NIGHT> see i loved olives, they are like gods, so i was excited, i sat there with four different types of olives and must have eaten like thirty, and all the sudden my stomach started punching me, i curled up in a little all on the floor for the rest of the night, unable to move to the next morning.

ok so now, i still love olives, but i learned they are NOT A MEAL!

</3-clare

4/7/03

where is the ferret?-

ok there was this girl i knew in high school (it was a strange strange high school), and she kept a pet ferret. she enjoyed its company very much, it was litter box trained, and was clever, and had free rage of her apartment. i didn't like it, i was paranoid abut rabies.

anyway, in the middle of the summer, a friend invited her over to spend the week. ferret girl was very excited because it was hot and she had no ac but her friend did. so she put down the biggest bowl of water known to man of food and water, packed, and left.

she came back a week later, the water bowl was toppled, and the ferret was dead.

ferret girl freaked out and threw him in the freezer.

when i was helping her move a year later we found him again. it was really gross.

DONT EVER PUT DEAD TINGS IN THE FREEZER!!@ ok ok, save dinner.

</3-clare

4/2/03

bomb-

one of my favorite types of cake is an ice cream bomb. for those of you who don't know what it is here is how you make it (this is the easiest way to describe it). go to the store and get a million types of good ice cream, in my case its always vanilla, chocolate, black raspberry, etc, get the largest bowl you have, line with plastic wrap, mash a layer of ice cream all over the bowl. refreeze till firm, pick another flavor of ice cream, mash another layer, refreeze, and another layer, refreeze. to do the whole shebang takes a day or two. but when you cut into it, you have a layered ice cream cake that's super duper pretty!
so for my tenth birthday my mom made me one. we had a giant freezer in out basement, do my mom gave it to her friend to take down there to do the final freeze hardening before my party.

so my party's going great, its all.. party like, and its coming time for the cake, all the sudden there is screaming and yelping from the basement, the freezer door never closed, and the bomb went everywhere. the bomb bombed.

i cried.

3/29

pho-

So one morning I was routing around in my fridge for some breakfast, and to my delight I came across a tub of Pho (Vietnamese soup). I AM SO LUCKY I gasp!! THIS IS THE BEST BREAKFAST EVER!! THERE ARE EVEN STILL MEAT BITS IN IT, joy! So I eat it all up yum yum yum. And about fifteen minutes later im clutching my stomach not feeling so hot. This is not a usual Pho reaction where your stomach hugs you back.
Uhhhhh.
So I run off to the bathroom, and crawl off to bed, a very sad depressed Clare. Later I found out the Pho was two weeks old. Lesson 32: don’t eat food older then your goldfish
</3-clare

3/27

laundromat-

So I was at the Laundromat, doing my laundry, and all those other Laundromat like things, and all these kids came in. now see, I don’t like kids, so I was like, ARRGG GRAB THE CAN OF KID SPRAY!! But these were even worse, they were ghetto kids. They started using a balled up sock as a basketball into people’s laundry baskets, climbing all over me, like I was a living jungle gym, and not noticing, the paralyzed terror in my face. If hadn't’t thought a ghetto mother would come swooping in on me all neck bobbly I would have clucked at them! But then I saw one of them climbing in a dryer, AHA here is my chance, all of what I've been waiting for.
So I go over and start putting a quarter in. the ghetto kid freaks out and bolts. I hope he learned not to be obnoxious. Or people will try and start the dryer you’re in.
</3-clare

3/24

old people-

ok, so i don't wake up most morning till 12 or so. its a cushy life, i like it. but this one morning i had to take my cat to the vet at 7 in the morning. there was lots of staring at the table incoherently that morning!!

so as uncaffeinated, and bleary as i was, i had no coat, and really crappy cloths on, and everything got covered in cat fur.

after duping my freaked out cat at the vet my mom (who was nice and gave me a ride) was like "want breakfast". i started trying to remember what breakfast was, and i had to search all the way back to high school days to remember, and it was pretty tasty back then, so "sure"

so i munch and eat, and drink lots of caffeine infused drinks, and am all fat and happy, but still slightly sleepy because it is only 8.30! when we get back in the car. "i have a doctors appointment so i wont be able to drive you home" says my mom as she dumps me out on the street.

as i stand in the very cold bus stop an old lady comes up and sees how i have my hands bundled in my sleeves

"YOU ALWAYS LOOSE GLOVES AND YOU ALWAYS LOOSE MITTENS, BUT YOU NEVE LOOSE SLEEVES!" she cries

"yep"

"lord basks in praise"

"uhhh"

and then she starts singing some black gospel song including all the _sing it now_ _clap your hands now_ included. it was scary. and not because she looked like an old italian grand mom and was clearly confused, but because she kept trying to get me to sing with her.

then my bus started to come, i was soo happy, she announced the bus to all the other people at the bus stop

"THE 21 IS COMING, DONT WANT TO MISS YOUR BUS, I HATE WHEN YOU MISS YOUR BUS!"

then i ran away. ok ok so the bus and i ran away. the point is, avoid going out before noon

</3-clare

3/23

Partay-

so one time i had some friends over to hang out, by friends i mean will (the guy at the top with the crown). we end up in my kitchen, like any descent person would, because the kitchen is where any descent party would be. well, there was an awful tickling episode to which led to ladle fencing, but i lost my ladle to a shield (a gallon of water) so thinking fast i grabbed a bag of old tomatoes. ROTTEN TOMATOES, but they were depressed tomatoes, because they feel out, all over my feet, and splashed out everywhere. That was bad. so the point of this folks is to teach you that rotten tomatoes are not a good defense against ladles in a fight.

3/22

shrimp-

ok so i just bought alot of shrimp today. woo bad memories. whatever you say, shrimp are tasty IN MY MOUTH. no big deal. but there was this one tragic day, where my kitchen hosted the shrimp olympics.

i thought i bought salt water shrimp, and they were alive still, so i rushed home all rearing to make my paella, and dumped em in salt water. OH MY GOD, they where fresh water shrimp and did not like me trying to kill them in salt or something cause they started leaping at me, and my jars of flour, and my fridge, skidding across the floor, into the dinning room. i had to say, there weren't many medals given out that night, but there was alot of scrubbing floors

</3-clare

3/15

Pirates -

on my fathers side of the family, they are pirates. i am convinced this is why i am so weird. arr matey. im waiting for the day i inherit the treasure map, and go digging into the jungle, with a great big sword. ill need an eye patch first.. and a parrot.

so anyway. i think its really cool, cause they weren't just any pirates no they were actually DREADED i saw it in a museum. seriously, no shit.

they'd sail up to innocent boats and be all "there are some pirates in this area, if you pay us, well give you some safe passage to england" en route they'd lead them astray and board, and raid them.

ahh raid and pillaging.

we need to go back to such a simple life.

</3-clare

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